The Russell-P Project:

Goodbyes...

They never seem to be easy, especially once you say them and you know that you are going to stick to it. It even sucks more when you think the other person dosent want to say it or they don't think that it is true and that you really mean your goodbye. That's what makes them so hard. No matter how bad you want to see that person you know when you told them goodbye and that you meant it and that you have to stick to it no matter how hard it is. That's the hard part about goodbyes that suck, sticking to them which I do even though I don't always want to. The other thing that sucks about goodbyes is when you see the person for the last time and you know it will be the last time they see you but yet they don't believe it or know it is the last time.

Video Blog #1

Here is my youtube link to my video, drop by and leave a comment at it and rank it and maybe more people will get to see my stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAkYTEovUXQ

Hi to my fan in Bosnia...

:-)

The Dirty Screech...

I’m not sure what Mr. Belding would have to say about this report of an alleged sex tape that graphically depicts Dustin Diamond (known better as Saved By the Bell’s Screech) engaging in 3-way sex with two women and pulling some pretty disgusting moves out of his back of tricks, inluding the dreaded “Dirty Sanchez”.

These kinds of antics are to be expected from the likes of Zach Morris or Jesse Spano (ever see Showgirls?), and maybe even AC Slater (if the threesome were with two other dudes) - but Screech!?! What more of an indictment could our culture receive than the filmed sex acts of a goofy-but-likeable Bayside Tiger?

Once the tape finds its inevitable home on the Internets, we’re all going to have to ask ourselves a very serious - and very important - question: will we watch it? Could our fragile psyches really handle the image of Screech giving some groupie (please god let it not be Paris Hilton) a Dirty Sanchez? Such devastating philosophical questions should not even be posed at this early morning hour.

Why do men love looking at womens breast...

So I went to lunch with a friend of mine and let's just say she has some rather large breast. In fact I would venture to say she has the nicest set of breast in Houston, well at least that's what the doctor told her when she got them.

Either way, as we were walking to lunch today I could not help but notice that every guy who walked by looked down at her breast. It did not matter if the guy was old or young, a CEO or a construction work, white, black, Asian, Indian, straight or gay, every guy looked down at them. In fact this blind guy walked by with his Seeing Eye dog and the dog started barking and I swear the dog was telling its owner that a girl with big breast was walking by.

Well this made me stop and think; why is it that guys are so obsessed with the female breast? Is it something that was imprinted into our DNA when we first showed up on this planet? Is it because magazines show half naked women all the time and we think that's what we should look at? Hell, I am a guy and I don't know. In fact, I am a guy who prefers women who have smaller breast and even I look when a girl with ginormus knockers walks by. It's just something that we can not help.

I suppose this also goes the same for just guys in general wanting to see naked women. A friend of mine once asked me why guys look at so much porn and this was the reason I gave her.

Look I like naked women, I’m a bloke I’m supposed to like them we’re born like that. We like naked women as soon as we’re pulled out of one halfway down the birth canal we’re already enjoying to view. Look it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual sikey, we like naked women, stockings, lesbians and Sean Connery best as James Bond because that’s what being a boy is. Even if I was in a relationship that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die because that’s what being a bloke is. When man invented fire he didn’t say “hey lets cook” he said “great now we can see naked bottoms in the dark” as soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of weh-hey naked bottoms. We have turned the internet in to an enormous international database of naked bottoms. So the story of male achievement through the age feeble though it may have been has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms.

I suppose this is just one of the major differences in men and women. I would venture to say that if a guy walked by a group of girls the first thing that the girls are not going to look at would be the guy's crotch, but guess what, if girls did not have breast to look at I would be willing to bet guys would look right at the crotch. I just suppose that is one of the things that make us different from you girls.

Time to get new neighbors...

Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing bad about my current neighbors. In fact they seem like a nice little Hispanic family and I am always greeted in the morning with the oh so fresh smell of tacos being cooked and the husband yelling at the family in Spanish.

I have actually picked up a phrase of Spanish from living there and hearing him yell at the kids every morning. This is what I learned, "Despiértele bueno perezoso para nada los cabritos o le enviaré de nuevo a México y usted puede vivir en la casa de la caja de cartón que vivíamos adentro". Translation, "Wake up you lazy good for nothing kids or I will send you back to Mexico and you can live in the cardboard box house you grew up in and eat cats for breakfast every morning and ride the donkey to the market to sell chicla gum". Don't know if this phrase will ever help me out in life but hey, I suppose it just makes me that much more cultured.

Well the point of this blog was not for me to bitch about the Hernandez family below me the point of this blog, if there is one, is for me to bring up the point that I should have super hot chicks living next to me. I mean think about it, I am a 28 year old single some what of an attractive guy who plays in one of the hottest bands in Houston. I should have all kinds of crazy hot chicks living around me. Well at least I think I should.

I mean my next door neighbor should be some crazy hot Asian chick who models for import car magazines and the girl who lives below me should be some hot blond model chick who looks like Anna Nichole Smith but only with the IQ of Stephen Hawkings. I don't really have a good reason as to why it should be this way other then the fact that I am really getting tired of going out to my pool and seeing nothing but 60 year old women laying around in one piece bathing suites.

I think their should be an apartment complex where only young people say from 23-35 live at. I would so be willing to pay extra for a place such as this. It would be really nice to go down to the pool one weekend and not have to look at a Golden Girls look a like convention taking place in the hot tub. Not that there is anything wrong with grannies in bikinis, in fact I have a friend of mine who has a little fetish for this, but it's just not for me.

I have a feeling if I lived in this little Utopia of an apartment complex I dream of it would be a lot easier for me to meet a girl. You see I am some what of a shy guy when it comes to meeting women. I know, I know, you are saying to yourself, "Russell-P, you are like the hottest, smartest, sexiest, funniest, coolest, super suave guy, how can you not meet girls". Well ok that's probably not what you are saying but I can wish right?

Either way, it's hard for me to meet girls. In fact I waited 3 years before I started dating after my last girlfriend broke up with me. 3 years of my life wasted because I could not meet a girl, now that is sad. Well not as sad as a family of raccoons crossing the street and the mother and father raccoon get hit by a car and the little babies are left in the middle of the street crying, it's not that sad but it's still sad.

So that is going to be my new goal for myself. I am going to become more outgoing when it comes to meeting the opposite sex. You see my problem is I am one of those guys who is not looking for the one night stand thing, I am looking for someone that I could last a while with. That makes it very hard when you first meet someone. Either way I am now on a mission to meet more people and not be so shy around women. Wish me luck, I will need it.

Ask Russell-P...

So I have been getting a lot of emails from people who are always asking me for advice on relationships, don't know why they think I can give them good advice but oh well I will do my best. So here it is folks, the first installment of "Ask Russell-P". This letter I like to call, "Dude, where's my date"?

I have been with my boyfriend for almost five months. About a week ago, I went to the beach with him for a whole week so I could get to know his family. We had a really great time.

But the Friday we got home, he changed. I went out with my parents that night and got back home about 9 p.m. I called him to see what he was up to (because he had asked me to). But when I called, his mom said he never made it back from taking me home! I was scared to death, thinking that he had gotten into an accident on the way home. So I called one of his friends, and he went to look for him. His friend found him shortly at another friend's place just down the road.

This week I haven't talked to him at all. I have tried to get hold of him, but he won't call back or anything. And I'm not sure what to do anymore. So if you can help me out on what to do. . . .

Brittany

Brittany, oh my dear sweet Brittany, I hate to be the one to say this but: You, my dear, have been dumped. That's right, as sad as it is this fellow of yours, hummmm yeah, I don't think he is coming back. I hate to tell you but this is actually a common thing for guys to do.

I will let you girls in on a little man secret, don't get pissed at me guys for giving away our secretes but us guys like to do this because most of us are kind of wussy and will do pretty much anything to avoid being yelled at. (See also: Why men lie.) That's right, it's just way easier for us to do this then it is for us to actually break up with you.

Now ladies, before you go getting all worked up and yelling at your computer monitor and saying, "Russell-P, you seem like such a nice guy how could you have done this to someone". Well guess what, I never have done this before but I know guys who have. So don't be getting all pissed at me, this is just what most guys do. In fact according to my highly unscientific research, men are approximately 80 times more likely to employ this rather unnerving exit strategy.

A buddy of mine John, a former Marine, has also done the date 'n' ditch. "I was seeing this hot psychopath who got insanely clingy after a few 'dates,'" he laughed. "But instead of dealing with it, I got orders to go overseas for an undefined length of time. I never called and told her I was leaving; I just disappeared. When I got back, months later, my answering machine had a million psychotic messages on it." Ouchie!

You see as sad as this is Brittany it happens, in fact it happens a lot and more then likely it will happen to you again. I think you have to accept the fact that he's history. Quit calling him and move on. And even if you lose your temper, hang on to your self-respect.

Well I hope this helped you out Brittany and I hope this guy ends up regretting what he lost. So if any of my other readers out there need any help with dating issues or your love life feel free to send me an email and ask me. I will make sure I publish it on here for all to read while using your real name. ;-) So what is some of your guys advice for Brittany, has this ever happened to any of you or have you ever done this to someone before?

My goal to take over the world...

So I just happen to have seen an interview with Tila Tequila, for those who don't know she is one of the biggest MySpace celebrities out there right now. Well after watching that video I have decided that I am going to dedicate the rest of my life to becoming a bigger MySpace celebrities then her.

No offense to her but good Lord she is some what on the retarded side if you ask me. Seriously go watch the video, she does not seem like she is that bright. That leads me to my next question, what is it about her that makes her famous? She has had 250,000,000 hits to her MySpace page. Now that's a lot of hits. I was happy with my measly 100,000.

I don't get why her page is so huge? She does not really do much besides pose in magazines and on her page half naked... hummmm.... hold on a second.... I think I am getting it... Let's see here, she is a semi hot Asian girl that poses half nude on her page. Hold on give me one more second... I am working this out in my head... OHHHHH HELL, now I get it. She is a semi hot Asian girl that poses half nude on her page that's why she gets all those hits. Damn, I don't know why I didn't get that in the beginning.

Well you know what Miss Tila Vodka or whatever your name is, it's on. You hear me, I am declaring war against you. Call it USA vs China or whatever you want to but this is war. For now on Russell-P is going to be known as the biggest MySpace celeb. That's right bitch, you better watch out because your empire is about to come crumpling down. That's right, it's going to fall just as my hopes of ever hooking up with Jessica Simpson are crumpling now. Oh yes Miss Tequila, I will be more famous then you just you wait and see.

This is the part where I ask you guys to help me become famous. I don't care really how you do it, tattoo Russell-P on your forehead, walk around your city yelling out "Vote Russell-P for President", on your email footer include a link to my page. It does not matter to me, let's just show this lil oh so hot Asian model chick that it takes more then good looks and a nice rack to be more famous then Russell-P

Reststop...

In a really weird way this song is a metaphor for my life.

We're just 3 miles, from the rest stop
And she slams on the breaks
She said I tried to be but I’m not
And could you please collect your things
Well I don’t wanna be cold
I don’t wanna be cruel
But I’ve gotta find more than what’s happened with you
So if you’d open up the door

She said while you were sleepin’
I was listenin’ to the radio and wonderin’ what you were dreamin’ when
It came to mind that I didn’t care
So I thought hell if it’s over
Then I had better end it quick or I could lose my nerve
Are you listenin’? Can you hear me?
Have you forgotten?

Just 3 miles from the rest stop
And my mouth’s too dry to rage
A light was shining from the radio
And I could barely see her face
But she knew all the words that I never had said
She knew the crumbled up promise of a broken down man
As I opened up my door

She said while you were sleepin’
I was listenin’ to the radio and wonderin’ what you were dreamin’ when
It came to mind that I didn’t care
So I thought hell if it’s over
Then I had better end it quick or I could lose my nerve
Are you listenin’? Can you hear me?
Have you forgotten?

But I’ve forgotten, yeah
Have you forgotten?
You just don’t love to love like I love

She said while you were sleepin’
I was listenin’ to the radio and wonderin’ what you were dreamin’ when
It came to mind that I didn’t care
So I thought hell if it’s over
Then I had better end it quick or I could lose my nerve
Are you listenin’? Can you hear me?
Have you forgotten?

Russell-P's 2007 Trip...

I have been thinking about this for a bit and I now think I am really going to do it. This upcoming year I am going to go to Pamplona Spain and run with the bulls. I have wanted to do this for a bit but sadly none of my friends want to go with me and do this. Well that just means one thing, I am going to go and do this on my own. In a really weird way I think I will enjoy it more that way. I have never been on a trip by myself before and I think it would be some what of a trial for me. Kind of like the if I can do this I can do anything saying.

I have been looking at packages to get over there and it does not look to bad. I mean I would only be there for about 5 days so I would not end up missing a lot of work. Next year it takes place from July 5 - July 13 so I would even have a vaction day due to the 4th of July.

I think this is going to be an awsome experience for me and a great way for me to get away from things for a bit and just write. I mean what is better then sitting in Spain and writing?

Its what makes me happy...

Sitting here at the Astros game is what makes me happy. My buddy Garetts girlfriend, can I call her your girlfriend, got us some awsome tickets. Section 122 these are the big baller of Astros seats. I mean these are the seats that all the people in the nose bleed section dream of, trust me, I am usually one of those guys in the nose bled section. This is the thing that makes me the most happy, the roar of the crowd, the crack of the bat. I just can't wait to have a boy and take him to the games with me and his granddaddy. The only thing to make it better is if she was here with me.

My bands new banner...

See if you can guess which one is mine.

Russell-P is going to be published....

That's right ladies and gentleman, yours truly is going to be published next year. I just received word that one of my crappy poems/songs is going to be published in a poem book that is coming out in 2007. So that's kind of cool to hear that someone actually likes what I am writing. Here is the poem that is going to be published.

I sit in this room where you left me alone,
With the thought of your voice that drives nails to my bone.
The lies that you said they ring deep in my head,
And the pain that I feel binds me to my own bed.
Like the time that we kissed, all the memories I'll miss.
And the days that I treated you like a princess.
Sharing our thoughts and all the things that you said.
I try and I try but they just won't leave my head.
The thought of you gone it brings tears to my eyes,
And the pain of us saying our final goodbyes.
The truth of it was that your love it had died.
And the thought of that crushed me and hit me broadside.
I will always remember the love that we had,
And hopuflly one day it will not make me so sad.

So that's kind of cool I suppose.

I sit in this room where you left me alone,
With the thought of your voice that drives nails to my bone.
The lies that you said they ring deep in my head,
And the pain that I feel binds me to my own bed.
Like the time that we kissed, all the memories I'll miss.
And the days that I treated you like a princess.
Sharing our thoughts and all the things that you said.
I try and I try but they just won't leave my head.
The thought of you gone it brings tears to my eyes,
And the pain of us saying our final goodbyes.
The truth of it was that your love it had died.
And the thought of that crushed me and hit me broadside.
I will always remember the love that we had,
And hopuflly one day it will not make me so sad.

So that's kind of cool I suppose.

Russell-P's advice for the day...

Sushi + Sake + Red Wine = Bad.

That's right folks, let that be a little bit of advice from me to you. That would be the reason I am sitting at home with one of the worst headaches of my life. Needless to say I will not be going into work today that and I think someone sliped me something last night.

Random questions that I get asked...

It’s funny you know I get asked a lot of questions from emails and one question always seems to come up. People are like, “Russell-P, everything in your life is doing great. Your band is doing awesome, you have a great job, you are a good looking guy who has a lot of things going for you, but how come is it a lot of the stuff you write is always so damn depressing”?

You know, I don’t know but I think it’s because of this. As a writer you are supposed to represent the best and the worst of you at the same time, and I think if you do it in the right way and use it in the right way then you can take all your depressing stuff you want and get it out of you and put it down and have a place for it and then be a happy guy for most of the time. You can just kind of go on with the rest of your life, if your happy then I am not going to write, I am just going to go out and be happy. I only write if I sit down because I am depressed about something you know?

Someone else emailed me and asked me what I thought about love. I thought this was kind of a weird and vague question but I told them I would give it my best to answer it.

There is a funny thing about love. You see there are always two parts to it and a lot of times we as people only see one side of it at a time. One side of it is the really great amazing part of it. You know the kind when you just see the person and it makes you jump for joy on the inside, it makes you want to stand up and shout, "There she is, there is the girl that I love and want to give my all to. There is my princess the girl I want to spoil with my love. This is the girl that I want to worship and bow down too". That's the part of love that we love to be in. It's the part that great love songs are written about and the part that great poets have written about since the beginning of time.

But there is also another side to it. It's the more darker and sinister side that none of us like to think about. It's the side of love that shows it self only to one person in the relationship or as it tends to be the end of the relationship. It's the part of love when the person who is so madly and deeply in love with the other person realizes that that person no longer loves them the way they used to. It's the part that great love songs are written about and the part that great poets have written about since the beginning of time. Wait, isn't that what I said about the part above. Well yes it is and you want to know why? Because these two parts of love go hand in hand together. Either the person ends up realizing that they are no longer loved and move on to big and better things and grows from this and has more love to give to the next person. Are the person ends up moving on and then the person who dumps them realizes they made a mistake and they work feverishly to get said person back. Then either the person takes them or they don't. As we all know it's impossible to hold on to anybody and as dumb as it sounds if you set them free and they return then it was ment to be and if it dosent it was ment to be free. That's how love works in my opinion. Maybe I am right; maybe I am wrong who's to know.

What do you guys think?

Caption This #2...

 

Lance Armstrong: Dude, that was an amazing concert.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Seriously.
John Mayer: Thank you guys so much for coming.
Slut: OMG! It’s Jake Gyllenhaal!
John: (Loudly) SO JAKE. Can I have a sip of your water?
Jake: Sure… (Laughs and pours water from his dwarf-bottle all over Mayer’s shirt.) Wet t-shirt contest!
Lance: Oh, somebody’s chilly!
Slut #2: John Mayer! I am such a huge. fan.
John: Oh, thanks. Wow. Um… actually, I don’t sleep with female fans anymore. It’s “not me”. So…
Slut #2: Oh, Ok, I…
Jake: (Blocks her face with his ginormous bicep) Listen, John, Lance and I are gonna get outta here.
John: Cool, cool. Thanks for coming. (They begin to walk away.) Hey… Lance?
Lance: Yeah, John?
John: (Holds up yellow wristband.) Livestrong, my man.
Lance: (Hold up wrist.) Livestrong.
Jake: (Nodding, quietly.) Livestrong.

(Leave your captions in the comments.)

Cool little website...

So a friend of mine, she told me to go check out this website. Well I did and I must say this site is pretty cool. What you do is you select a photo of yours and they go out and find celebrities who you look like. It's kind of cool. Here is mine and the celebrities that I look like. If you guys want to go check it out go to http://www.myheritage.com/FP/Company/tryFaceRecognition.php. If you do it post your picture on my blog because I would like to see what celebrities you guys look like.

 

(THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT)
Hey there, party-people! Do you ever find yourselves bumpin’ and grindin’ your body (and teeth) through the hottest dance clubs in Hollywood, Manhattan, Vegas, Miami (and - oh fuck it - Columbus, Ohio too!) when you suddenly feel a nagging sense of exhaustion (possibly from the 9 shots of SoCo-lime you drank) that is really getting in the way of your “keeping the party going” (or “going back to some d-bag’s apartment to get date-raped”), and thus making you wish there were something you could do (or perhaps take) that would give you just the perk you need to party the night away (and babble everyone’s ear off about “your acting dreams”)?

Well, thanks to the wonders of a new miracle drug called Cocaine, you too can live the glamorous lifestyle of the “rich and famous” (or “ridiculed and pathetic”). But that’s not all!!! Now, instead of crowding into a crramped nightclub bathroom stall with 7 of your friends and hoovering “Nicole Richie Diet Formula” up your scabbed septum's while trying to avoid the bouncers you haven’t yet blown to keep quiet (lest you get busted and require mommy to bail you out again), you can purchase this all-new, completely-legal, highly-addictive, mind-destroying alternative called Cocaine In a Can! It’s sort of like Red Bull, but way classier! Goes great with Vodka and indignity!

That's right ladies and gentleman Red Bull may give you wings but the newest caffeine amped drink gives you a slightly paranoid rush that tingles in your chest. The drink named "Cocaine" hit runway parties during fashion week in NYC. The legal alternative is said to be 350% stronger than Red Bull and lasts for five hours. A concoction of high doses of B12 and simple sugars create a buzz feeling and tastes like cherry Jolly Ranchers. The makers of the drink did admit to adding an ingredient to simulate the oral sensation and numb the throat that comes with using the real drug.

When asked what they thought about the drink one of the users said, "This stuff is like totally rad! I mean everyone knows that doing Coke is cool because all the hottest celebrities do it. So this is just a way for us normal people to be cool like Paris Hilton and what not".

I don't know about you guys but I would not mind giving this a try. Hell if it's good enough for A-List celebrities then it's good enough for Russell-P.

Paris Hilton actually turns down a man?

OK people, stop what you are doing. Bend down and take one knee. OK now slowly place one hand on the floor. Does it feel cold to you? Yeah me too, I guess we know what that means, Hell froze over and Paris Hilton turned down a guy. I hate to tell you guys this but this is the 7th sign of the Apocalypse. I hope you guys are right with God because I have a feeling he is on his way down.

That's right all my friends, I have some news for you about your hero Paris Hilton, it seems she is not as easy as we thought she was... Or as half of us guys have prayed to God she was. Parasite Hilton actually refused to give a man sex. Courtney Love's ex, Steve Coogan, recently spent a night out with Kimbo Stewart and Parasite. After their drunken night came to an end, Steve begged Paris to have sex with him. He banged on her door for an hour, but she refused. This has got to be a lie.

The source said: "Coogan met Paris and Kimberly at Hyde nightclub and tried to persuade them to do shots of spirits with him.

"Kimberly did a few but then backed off because she thought he was getting too friendly.

"Coogan carried on chatting to Paris but wasn't happy to end it there when the girls said they were leaving.

"He got a taxi to take him to Paris'’s house and ended up banging on the door for an hour asking to be let in. Paris refused."

What is this world coming to? Who would have thought that a guy could go out, met Paris Hilton, buy her some drinks and not have sex with her? I mean that's a given right. I always thought sleeping with Paris was a given like Tom Cruise being crazy or Nicole Richie looking like a crack head. Those are things that will always be like the sun rising or France being full of people who suck and smell bad.

Either way I am going to choose to not believe this story. I mean if Paris does not sleep with every guy she meets what's the point of me going out to L.A. or New York where she lives then?

Russell-P's gather around for story time...

A friend of mine just sent me an email and reminded me of a story from a while back. You see last year on "Talk Like A Pirate Day" my buddies and I had been shooting back and forth a bunch of emails where we were talking like Pirates. Yes, yes, I know, we are immature idiots so sue us.

Either way, we were sending these emails when I sent one that had to do with a "Face Pirate". Now for those of you out there that do not know what a face pirate is, well lets just say it is somewhat perverted and has to do with when a man and a women lay down together. (Side-Note: If you still don't know what it is leave me a comment on this blog with your email address and I will mail you and let you know)

Well my buddy who had been in on all the email exchanging had to go to a big meeting with all the top people in his company. He also had to take his computer with him and hook it up to a projector for the meeting.

Well, during the email conversations I had created a picture with Britney Spears where she was crying and on the picture it said, "He turned me into a face pirate". I am guessing you can tell where this story is going, don't use work computers for personal use right? Either way, my buddy goes into his meeting and hooks his computer up to the projector, opens up his Outlook and low and behold there is a huge picture of Britney Spears with the word Face Pirate really big above it.

My buddy pretty much freaked out and tried to close down his outlook but he was not fast enough. The CEO of the company looks at him and says, "Marty, what is a face pirate"? Needless to say this put old Marty on the spot. He pretty much had to tell the CEO that he was sorry for using his work computer for personal use and that he would never do it again.

So let that be a lesson to you boys and girls out there. If you are going to be passing around face pirate pictures on your work computer, make sure you don't open them up in front of the CEO, they tend to not like that.

How about you guys, have you ever had an embarising moment at work where you should not have been doing personal work on your computer?

Baby Snatcher Looks Strangely Familiar…

CNN.com has a composite sketch of the female suspect suspected of slitting a woman’s throat and kidnapping her baby. I have been staring at the picture for a while now, because I swore I just knew the woman depicted in the oddly alluring portrait. The hat, the hint of stubble, the almond-shaped eyes… yes, it’s all coming together…

Then again, Ashton Kutcher hasn’t been seen wearing a trucker hat in at least two and a half minutes. So that’s probably not gonna work.

The best day in the world...

Araghhh you landlovers, today be the best day since Ol' Chumbucket and Mad Sally, the Lusty Wench opened the first Long John Silver's restaurant in Worcester Massachusetts. That's right you salty sea dawgs, today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, a day on which all of humanity, except we hope airline pilots, joins together in the vitally important yet all-too-often-neglected task of talking like a pirate for a day.

That is why I am taking it upon myself to speak like a pirate all day long. In fact, when I walk on over to Chick-Fa-Lay today to get my number 5 I am going to order in my best pirate accent. I will tell the Chick-Fa-Lay staff, "Arraggghhhh you dirty Bilge rat's, I am Captain Russell-P of the ship the Miss "B" Havin and I am here for your booty or your nuggets. Smartly, me lass serve up me nuggets and your largests jug of grog or ye shall be ran throughith with me mighty big poker. Arggghhhh!!!"

I have a feeling either one or to things are going to happen. Either they are going to give me my number 5 in a hurry or they are going to call the cops and I will be locked in the brig. Either way it shall make for a good old time a lunch today.

So everyone take it upon yourself as you are walking to lunch, or just sitting in your cubical to great one of your coworkers or a starnger with a mighty big "Arragggghhhhh" today. Hey it's the only day all year long where you can get away with doing this and not be called a freak.

As a bouns to you my faithfull readers I will post the top 10 Pirate pickup lines.

10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …

1. Prepare to be boarded.

Russell-P now knows what he wants to do for a living...

That is correct ladies and gentelman. I, Russell-P, after 28 years of being on this planet have finally found my calling. I have finally found what it is that God put me on this Earth to do. I have a feeling that I would be able to dominate this sport and become the Michael Jordan of it. No I take that back, I would become even better then Jordan I would become a God at this sport.

You guys go stop by and watch this video and let me know if you think this should be my calling.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9r10UbGC6RI

What's more un PC then Survivor: Race wars...

While sponsors are busy pulling out of Survivor: Race Wars like an unprotected teen’s first time (groan, I know), there is a much more sinister non PC beast lurking in the prime time CBS listings: The Amazing Race 10.

That's right for those of you who have not heard yet The Amazing Race 10 is going to put 12 groups of 2 people together to race around the world. The only thing is that each team has it's own set of disability's.

For instance there is a husband and wife team who are Asian Midgets. The couples names are Ting and Ming Me and their team name is "Tiny Egg Rolls". I have a feeling this is going to be the couple to watch. Asian people are always good at winning things, well except for WWII but hey everyone has some bad luck.

Some of the other teams are a father and son quadriplegic team who are put in back packs and carried around by two black guys. And a best friend team who are members of the "National Gay Republicans Against Bush But Are For The Ethical Treatment of Homosexuals".

All and all this is gearing up to look like a pretty good season of the Amazing Race and a great fall season for television. I just can't wait to see what FOX comes up with to counter this show.

Caption It #1

That's right folks, the game is back. I know alot of you have asked for it so you better play since I am bringing it back. Here is how it works, it's pretty simple really, I post the picture you guys come up with a funny caption for it.

Todays celebritie caption person is my dear friend Nicole Ritchey. Have fun with this one guys, I will start us off.

"Hummmm cheeseburger good!!"

Rejuvenation

It is nice to know that no matter how many problems you have in your life, no matter how tuff things are, no matter how hard certain decisions you have to make are that there is one place where you can go and someone loves you. That places is church.

This time I am in right now is the toughest time in my life that I have ever gone through. There are a lot of choices that I have to make and a lot of things that have happened to me that make it hard for me. Well it is good to know that I can always go to church and God is there for me. It's just sad that it took me this long in my life to figure that out, but I am glad I did figure it out. God really is amazing and the feeling you get knowing that he is watching over you really is a great feeling.

Hopefully I will make the right decisions in my life in the upcoming weeks or so and things will work out the way they are supposed to.

Define akward...

When you are sitting at bw3's and a Miller Lite girl walks in and starts talking to you and you realize you used to go out with her. Now that's akward.

This is important for me in a girlfriend...

So for me to find a girl that makes me happy and for me to be in a good relationship it is important for me to find a girl who I can just lay on the couch with and chill and watch tv. That's really improtant for me. I want a girl who will just sit there with me and cuddle up with me and hang out. Maybe hold me hand and let me know that she is happy with me. Well guess what ladies and gentelman I have found that women and I must say I am very happy about it. It's what I need in my life right now. In fact we took a picture together and you can see how happy we are together. Come take a look at the picture and let me know how cute we are together.

View this photo

What if...

You know how sometimes you walk down the street or your at a club or a bar and you see someone and you both just look at each other. You can share a smile, a nod or just a look, but for that moment you know there is something between the two to you. You don't say anything to each other but just let it pass and you go your separate ways. Now imagine what you life would be like if you would have taken that chance and said something to that person.

My bands show on Friday...

That's right folks, I have posted some new pictures of my bands show from last night. Also I have some pictures of my ass on here, you just have to guess which one is mine. Come check them out. I would also like to give a shout out to all the ladies that bought me drinks/shots/beer and whatever else you guys got me, thanks. And a thanks to all of you who kept telling me I am sexy. I always like to hear that.

http://russell.typepad.com/photos/mr_bs_sept_15/

Random thought of the day...

How can you put something so emotionally charged, such as love, into words.......put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it feels like an hour.....sit with a beautiful girl for a hour and it feels like a minute......now thats relativity

Just a thought...

Sometimes you come back to something that was, for the moment, an incredibly big thing, and you realize that it really wasn't. At times, it's hard to separate the feeling from the moment, because the moment envelopes you, wraps around you, controls you. But a little time and distance gives you a whole lot of freedom to realize that sometimes the idea of something is much more powerful than the reality of the situation.

The Lord Giveth (Breasts) and the Lord Taketh Away (Brains)

Everytime I think I'm completely through with Jessica Simpson and I can't stand another second of hearing about her, something like this comes out. Sure she's not that bright, not that talented and sort of fugly from the neck up and has no ass. But good Lord those breasts are amazing. I cannot quit them. I just can't. For your viewing pleasure I now present to you Jessica Simpsons breast.

On a side note, seeing that picture of her above and the picture of me to the right, we really look like we should go together, don't you think?

 

Russell-P’s somewhat real celebrity gossip of the day…

Houston, Hummm we have a problem…
That’s right, after 14 years of marital bliss; Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have called it quits. Over the course of their union the couple had one daughter, Bobbi Kristina, and countless drug dealers. Now the couple has finally decided to go their separate ways.

Bobby was quoted as saying, "Well I love Whitney but damn, that bitch is crazy. She is like a chicken head on crack half the time. How's a brother supposed to get any sleep around here with her always singing "and I will always love you". I mean damn women that song went out in the 90's give it a rest".

One pissed off bald vegan...
Sure, we all got pretty swept up in last week’s “Suri on the Cover of Vanity Fair” frenzy, but there was one bald vegan ambient music-maker who was not impressed by the very public debut of the cute little Cruisebot. Moby had this to say on his blog:

are you kidding me? putting your f*cking CHILD on the cover of vanity fair? are they out of their minds? […] using children as p.r props does disgust me, i have to admit. in the grand scheme of things fame pales in comparison to family and child-rearing. i don’t know tom cruise and katie holmes, but i really cannot for a second fathom the mindset of parents who would sell pictures of their children or sexy pictures of themselves and use their children to get better press coverage. i’m sorry, i try not to be too judgemental, but it’s gross.

Well if that is the case then all you little MySpacers's out there who are putting pictures of your kids and sexy pictures of yourselfs on your page to get more hits, well you better watch out Moby is coming after you. Have you ever seen a pissed off bald Vegan before? It's not a pretty sight.

Paris Hilton Loves Making Out...
According to my secret sources, which is basically just me making stuff up, Paris Hilton has an obsession with making out. Although judging from the movie "One Night In Paris" she has a few other oral obsessions also. According to one of my secret New York spies, yes I have spies in New York that follow celebrities for me, Paris Hilton was seen inside Route 44 Club making out with a random girl. When confronted about this the heiress simple stated "What, doesn't all girls make out with other girls? I mean me and my friends do it, what wrong with that".

Also according to my secret network of spies the hotel heiress had been refused entry to Bungalow 8, in New York, because bouncers said it was "full to capacity." An eyewitness said: "She was sobbing and kept saying she was Paris Hilton and she didn't understand - all she wanted to do was dance!"

The hunt for the elusive Asian women...

A few buddies and I were talking the other night over some beers and we have come to the conclusion that it is more likely that Israel would elect a prime minister named Hitler then for a really hot Asian women to date a white guy. Now don't get me wrong, I am pro Asian/White relationship, it just seems that Asian women are like an endangered species that only want to breed with their own kind in hopes of replenishing the population. Not that there is anything wrong with that just that maybe some of us white guys want to experience the Orient if you know what I mean.

It never fails that anytime I have gone out to a bar or a club and have seen a really hot Asian woman she is always with a group of other Asians. It’s like they are some kind of wild animal species traveling in packs roaming the bars and clubs. Do you Asian women know how intimidating it is for a white guy to go strolling up to a pack of Asians and start talking to one of them? It’s like a gazelle walking up to a pack of lions and looking at them and saying, “Hey guys, what’s for dinner”. You see it’s just not that easy for us.

Not to mention when we do finally get the guts to walk up to you guys it never fails that we always choose the one who does not speak any English and her friends are like, “Sorry man, she only speaks Mandarin, I don’t suppose you speak it do you”. Of course we don’t speak Mandarin, I am a white guy, and how many white guys know Mandarin Chinese? Of course we all know that this is a lie and that you speak English but you are using your Asian background to not talk to us.

Either way it’s tough for us white guys to get in good with you Asian women. Have faith in us ole Asian one. There are some white guys out there that enjoy the Asian culture. I mean hell; I love sushi, sweet and sour sauce, The Karate Kid and I can even eat with chop sticks, what else could you want in a white guy?

Russell-P's fake celebrity news of the day...

Ashton Kutcher Will Pay You to Be His Friend on MySpace*
That's right folks, Aston Kutcher will personally pay you $10 if you add him as your friend on MySpace. Here is what he said about it in a phone call I had with him the other day.

Russell-P: Hey Asthon, it's great to talk to you.
Ashton: Man am I glad to talk to you. It's been what 3 or 4 months now?
Russell-P: Yeah about that, so tell us about this MySpace thing.
Ashton: Yeah it's true, I am going to give $10 to the first 50,000 people that add me to their MySpace page. My goal is to have more friends then Tom, damn I hate that guy Tom.
Russell-P: More friends then Tom, I would be worried about having more friends then Russell-P if I was you Ash. Asthon, would you say I have a plethora of friends?
Ashton: Yes, Russell-P. You have a plethora of friends.
Russell-P: Ashton, what is a plethora.
Ashton: Why Russell-P?
Russell-P: Well, you just told me that I had a plethora, and I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora.
Ashton:  Russell-P, I know that I, Ashton, do not have your superior intellect and education, but could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?
Russell-P: Yes, Ashton you are correct. I am upset with other stuff but thank you for pointing that out to me.

According to his publisher Ashton will not be happy until he is bigger and more famous then Tom. Supposedly Tom and Ashton went to different high schools together and have been mortal enemies ever since Tom stole Ashton's date, Winny Winkler, and took her to the Winter Wonderland Dance back when they were in 10th grade.

As of a a few minutes ago he had 473 friends. And frankly, that's bullshit. He's Ashton Kutcher for god's sake. What's wrong with you people? I have 2272 friends and I'm not even famous!

And he's married to a MILF, what more do you people want? He's only a man! So what are you waiting for? Go help build a home or something by adding Ashton to your friends list.**

*this is of course the first and probably only place that rumor has ever been perpetuated

**of course all this is fake so please Asthon don't sue me

***well all of it is fake except for the fact that Asthon did call me, you see he and I are pretty tight. In fact I was the one that hooked him up with Demi****

****ok well that’s not entirly true, I did not hook him up with Demi but I did once have a dream about her*****

*****well that's not really true either, the dream was actually about a midget that slightly looked like Demi Moore but with a bit more hair on her upper lip

My question about women and dating...

Last year I had God's blessings to meet a woman who I fell madly in love with at first sight.

As I've gotten older, I've realized what a total crock of shit "love at first sight" truly, madly, deeply is. There is far more to love--or even "like"--than an immediate physical attraction.

Now that’s a hard thing for me to grasp, you see I have a problem with putting way to much into peoples looks. I don’t know why I do it, it’s not because I am shallow, it’s not because I am all about sex, it’s just something that I can’t help. Any time I met a girl now that I am single I am instantly comparing her to my past girlfriends and if she is as hot as them.

I know this is wrong. Trust me, I really do. I know I should not do this but the question is, how do you stop from doing it? One of the things I loved about my ex, besides her looks, was the way we got along together and the friendship that we had. I mean it really was like I had found a friend that I feel in love with. I don't know if that makes any since to you guys but somehow in my head that's what it was to me. So I know there is more to a relationship then just looks but in the beginning it's really hard for me to get past that.

I have some friends who have dated girls in the past and in the beginning they are like, "Well she is not the hottest girl but we get along really well". I was always in my head thinking, "Well if they are not the hottest girl then why are you with them". I know that's not a good thing to think but it's just what I did.

Now I am at a crossroad. Here I am 28, single, no closer to getting married and starting a family then I was when I was 18. I am going to be going on dates with people and I am going to be trying to find that one person for me, if she really is out there. At the same time I have to realize that there is more to life then just peoples looks. Maybe I should not worry about peoples looks when I first start dating them and just go out with them for who they are. What do you think?

As for my ex I will always treasure that first moment when I laid eyes on her and thought, "Wow...this is someone I really want to get to know." And, at least for a short period of time, I did.

Better days are around the corner...

Sometimes when I am home alone and feel sad and like nothing in my life is going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test, that way I can utter the phrase "Hey, at least I am not pregnant" and I know better days are right around the corner.

My day at jury duty...

For those who don’t know, I had the ever so great experience of getting to go downtown and serve on Jury Duty yesterday. That’s right folks, for those of you who have never gotten to experience this great American honor it is similar to a redneck family from Alabama going to Disney Land on Gay Day, yeah it’s not very fun.

I end up getting up at 6:30 on Monday morning, keep in mind this is the Monday morning after my birthday weekend, so getting up early I felt like a refugee at the Superdome after Katrina. I stumble into the shower and head out the door at 7:00. Gotta love Houston though because I did not end up getting downtown until 8:15, keep in mind I had to be at the court house by 8:00.

Well I go running around downtown for a bit trying to find what building I am supposed to be in. I learned a very important lesson by doing this. The lesson I learned is bums, while very street wise looking really not a reliable source of information when trying to find directions to the court house. Needless to say a bum sent me on a wild goose chase. I think he did it just so he could tell his other bum friends that he made some white guy who was all dressed up go running around downtown looking like an idiot.

Well after that little fiasco I finally found where I was going and got into the Jury room at 8:30. Now keep in mind the jury room is huge. I mean there must have been 500 people in there. Well I see the only open seat is between these two really large women. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with large people, I say if you want to eat Taco Bell all day long and get nice and plump then go for it, who am I to say. It’s just that the only seat that was open was between these two huge ladies. Let’s just say these ladies had the oh so great aroma of trail mix and day old Taco bell. It was not a comfortable seat for me. But you know the saying, "If she aint 280, she aint a lady".

Pretty much I think that when you walk in for jury duty they should just have someone there who hauls off and kicks you in the nuts as hard as they can, that way you can always say, “Hey, jury duty can’t be as bad as getting kicked in the nuts”.

Well needless to say I ended up lucking out and not getting chosen to be on the jury. Although I must admit, I would have had a blast if they would have chosen me. I think it would have been fun just to go against what ever one else on the jury thought. Pretty much if they thought the guy was quilty I would have been the guy who thought he was innocent and vice versa just to mess with the other people on the jury. Then at the end, when they are all frustreaed and angry at me, I would just look at them and be like, “Oh guys, I was just messing with you”. Now that would have been fun.

Friday night straight to video night…

I think I know how I am going to be spending my Friday night this week. Wait, I know what you guys are saying, “Russell-P, you are like this super hot, single, super nice, funny, intelligent, super sexy, nice hair, cute little pinky toe, crazy blue eyes the color of the sea, nice eyebrows, sideburns that look like a number 3 on the left side because you always pull on them kind of guy. Your Friday night is probably going to be spent hanging out with hot Asian supermodels in all the coolest parts of town right?” Wrong. In fact my Friday night will not be spent like that at all, in fact my Friday night will be spent sitting at home watching movies that have only gone straight to video.

That’s right folks, for some reason I think that will be a blast to just chill at home this Friday night with a nice bottle of some really expensive wine and watch some really cheap made movies. Here are a few of the movies that I plan on watching.

Road House 2: Last Call
There is nothing like making a sequel to a really bad Patrick Swayze movie.

Raptor Island:
I mean come on; it's a movie about an island full of Raptor dinosaurs. What's not to like about this movie? Actually I saw part of this movie with a buddy at my ex's house one weekend and we laughed our asses off at it.



Wrestlemania (1985):
I know this one did not go straight to video but it's a classic that I have to watch. I mean it's got some great matches like Tito Santana Vs The Executioner, Nikolai Volkoff vs Iron Sheik and Hulk Hogan vs Mr. T. I mean come on now, those are some awsome matches.

Either way as you can tell I have a big weekend planned for me, don't you wish you were me?

Random pictures of my kitty...

What can I say, she is my baby and I love showing her off.

Wooden USB Memory Stick

Here is a great site with some really cool stuff on it. One of them is a Wooden, yes, a wooden USB Memory Stick. And it looks really cool. Mixing technology with nature seems like a good idea also. Imagine you have a laptop or a personal computer and have a memory stick for data recovery. But this one is made of wood so now the whole thing looks like something is going out of your laptop and it’s a tree. It’s really funny!

And since USB memory sticks are pretty popular and useful i’m sure that you’ll like one of those.

Here’s a pic from their site but for more pictures, make sure you check out www.oooms.nl

Kicking it old school tonight...

That's right, tonight is an old school night for Russell-P. Tonight we are throwing a Club 1127 party. For those who don't know what that is, Club 1127 is my apartment that my roommate and I live at. We started calling it that a few years back after we both got dumped and moved in together. In fact we even have a web page about it http://www.club1127.com

Well it has been almost a year, September 24th, since our last Club 1127 party and it's about time we throw another one. We have invited a bunch of people so it should be fun. If you did not get an invite to it call me up and I will let you know where the club is and how to get here.

Pics from my bday...

Here is a link to some of the pictures from my bday, I will post the rest of them later...

http://russell.typepad.com/photos/my_28th_bday/index.html

My bday...

I am sitting her at dinner surrounded by 50 friends and I realize this ia a good life. Just sucks there is nothing but couples here.

Crappy birthday so far...

Well this sucks, it's only 4:30 p.m. and already this has become a very crappy birthday. That's right, how can it go so bad so quick I am sure you are asking, I know I would be. Well let me tell you why. I just got some really bad news. I mean this is some news that is super shocking and super upsetting. In fact even now as I sit here and type this I can not believe it. In fact I am sheading tears over it onto my little keyboard as we speak. In fact, I think a tear just hit my { button and it no longer works. Well either way it never seems to fail that I have a bad birthday and this is why the old 28 bitrthday is going to suck ass. I just found out that Jessica Simpson is dating John Mayer.

I know, I can't believe it either, the nerve of that guy. I mean come on man, I am single now and I know God set it up that way so I could hook up with Jessica and now low and behold BAM my boy John steals her. I mean don't get me wrong I love John Mayer in a strictly straight you my dawg kind of way but for him to steal Jessica, now that's just not right.

In fact I am about to pay him back for this pain he is putting me through. I am about to go download all his music off the internet and not pay for any of it. YOU HEAR ME JOHN I AM GOING TO NAPSTER AND STEALING YOUR MUSIC YOU BASTARD!!! You should have known better Johnny-Boy, she was mine. I mean come on Jessica Simpson and Russell-P. Those two names just go together like Bert and Erny, Bonny and Clyde, Dick and W. They just have that ring to them that you know makes it right. Oh well, maybe it will not work out and my chance with her will finally come.

So it's my bday... Now what?

That's right, it's now my b-day and I am now 28. Funny, I don't feel 28. For some reason I still feel 18. I don't know what it is but in my head I don't think of myself as 28. To me I always thought 28 was an old number. I remember back when I was around 21 I always told myself, "Russell-P, when you are 28 you are going to be married and getting ready to start a family". Well needless to say that did not pan out the way I thought it would. In fact I suppose I am farther away from starting a family and getting married then I was when I was 21. Weird how that works.

Either way I know God has got some great plan for me. I mean come on I am Russell-P how could he not? ;-) I guess now I will just have to readjust my time table. So when I am 32 I will be getting married and starting a family. I think that was the thing that made me not look forward to this birthday.

Either way I am pumped about going out tonight. It's good to know that I have so many good friends out there that care about me. That's the most amazing thing in the world I think, having great friends and family. Tonight really is going to be fun, we are all going out to eat dinner at Faroggos then heading over to Pub Fiction for a bit. After that we plan on doing a bit of bar/club hopping until the wee hours of the night.

I must admit I have the best sister in the entire world, she was the one who set this up for me when in the begining I just did not want to go out and do anything. She really is a kick ass sister and I so glad I have her. You guys just wish you could have a sister like mine, she is the best. ;-)

On a completely off topic side note I am listing to Kenny Loggins Nobody's Fool from the Caddyshack II soundtrack and this really was an awsome song. That guy had some awsome 80's soundtrack songs.

As the great Kenny Loggins said "I might not look so smart, but I am nobodys fool".

Scariest moment of my entire life...

Last night I had the most absolute terrible, frightening, God fearing, nerve enduring, pee your bed, run crying to your momma moment of my entire life. Now keep in mind I am a guy that does not usually get scared of things. I have run into buildings that are on fire before to help pull people out, no I don’t do this as a fetish I am a firefighter. I have road along with police officers and chased down bad guys. Heck I was even in a relationship for 5 years with a Hispanic women, now that takes some balls to do. But last night was even more terrifying and frightening then any of them. Last night at about 4:30 am I thought I had a gremlin in my room.

Now I know what you guys are saying, “Russell-P, there are no such things as gremlins. In fact there are no such things as Unicorns, Dragons or the country of France either. What gives”. (SIDENOTE: I have never been to France so until I go, I just don’t believe it exist) Well believe me, during the normal waking hours of I don’t know say 8:30 am till 2:00 am I am usually pretty coherent and I realize these things, but at 4:30 in the morning after I have gotten back from a night working out at the gym, I would believe just about anything.

So last night at about 4:30 in the morning I am startled awake by the sounds of something under my bed. Now keep in mind that it is 4:30 am and I am tired as monkey balls. Well I hear this noise and I start to stir awake. At first I think it is just my mind playing tricks on me, you know a figment of my imagination. That’s when I hear something run across my room at the foot of my bed.

Now keep in mind I am extremely blind without my contacts in. Ask my ex girlfriend, she will vouch for that. With out my contacts in I am not able to see what something is 5 feet away from me. In other wards as dumb as Kevin Federline is, that’s how blind I am. So when I hear this thing run across my room I instantly sit up in bed and start looking around to see what it is. That’s when I see this blur with two pointy ears go running across my floor into my bathroom. I instantly start to freak out.

I start to ask myself, “Russell-P, what in the hell was that thing”. Now keep in mind right next to my bed I have a stuffed animal of a gremlin. Don’t ask why I have it because to be honest with you I don’t remember where I got it from. Maybe it was a gift from an Asian supermodel that spent the night with me, maybe it was a gift from the Prime Minister of Bulgaria, hell maybe I stole it I just don’t remember. Well in my half conscious tired state I think, holy crap, my gremlin came alive and is in my bedroom.

I reach over beside my bed and grab one of my flip flops. Now keep in mind I have a loaded gun next to my bed in my nightstand but for some reason I went for the flip flop instead. I guess I should rethink my emergency break in procedures. Either way I grab my flip flop and wait for the beast to emerge from the bathroom. As I sit there in my bed with my flip flop raised above my head in anticipation for the upcoming battle I see my life flash before my eyes. You know what I realized when that happened? I realized that I really should have dated a hot Asian girl before I died.

Well out of no where the beast bolts from my bathroom and I hurl my flip flop at it like a ninja throwing a Chinese star. BANG!! I strike the beast right in the head. That’s when I hear this, “MEEEEOOOOWWWWWW”. I instantly think, HOLY CRAP, I JUST KILLED MY KITTEN!!!!

That’s right at 4:30 in the morning I am still not used to having a kitten and I just unleashed my flip flop of death at it. I instantly spring forth from my bed to make sure my kitten does not have a flip flop sticking out of its head. Needless to say it did not. Thankfully my little Willy-T was ok and survived the ordeal with the flip flop although I did notice this morning she kept an ever watchful eye on it.

Come Party With Russell-P On His B-Day...

It’s back to the old Russell-P…

That’s right folks, no more talk of broken heartedness, no more talk of women who left me, no more stupid love songs I write and post up here, for now on it’s the old Russell-P. The Russell-P who likes to post about his love for Asian midgets and his infatuation with Jessica Simpson. The Russell-P of old who once told a story of a cockroach that he called “El Borracho” that stalked his bathroom to a bunch of drunken illegal immigrants in a bar in Mexico one time. The Russell-P who has captured your hearts with his piss poor grammer and spelling ability. That’s right folks I am back!!!

Well for my first installment of the new Russell-P I had to make a tough decision. Do I want to talk about Britney Spears boobs, Asian Midgets or Baby Suri. Well it was a tough decision but I decided to go with… drum roll please… DADADADADADADADADADADADADA Baby Suri.

So the photos are out and guess what, Baby Suri is way cuter then your baby. In fact I would have to say this is the cutest damn baby I have ever seen. I would almost venture to say that it is too cute. Too cute in the fact that it’s not real but a robot.

That’s right, think about it. Tom Cruise is into scientology right? Well scientology is based on science fiction, science fiction is all about robots, therefore it’s only fitting that Tom Cruises baby is a robot. I mean look at the picture of this little android. No baby that young has that much hair on it. Ok well I can’t really back that up seeing how I know absolutely crap about babies, but still that’s a lot of hair.

To tell you the truth, now that I look at it more closely. I think this baby kind of looks Asian. In fact, this baby kind of looks like Jackie Chan in a way. Maybe old Katie, oh I am sorry Kate, Tom does not want her called Katie any more, decided to head over to the Far East for a bit of the Hu Nan Pho if you know what I mean. (Side Note: For those who don’t know what I mean I am implying that Katie and Jacky Chan had intercourse). I hear that Jackie Chan swings a mean chop stick if you know what I mean.

Either way, man that baby is something else. Could you imagine how screwed up it’s going to be when it grows up? I mean your dad is psycho science boy and your mom is crazy little young girl I can only imagine that will not be good for a kid. Maybe Old Suri and Britney’s kid could be friends. Maybe when they get old they can get their own TV show like the Simple Life. Now that would be fun to watch.

On a side note, good God it feels good to be back.

How does one get over their love...

I suppose this is the question that everyone who has ever been dumped asks themselves at some point or another. You wonder if there is some kind of magical pill that some drug company makes that you can just scamper on down to CVS and get a prescription for that will make you forget the person you love. You sit there and curse the person and try to make them in your head a monster, when in reality you know that they are not. You try to think about little things that they did that make you say to your self, “Man I really did not like that about them, I should have broken up with them” when in reality you know it’s not true. You try to go out on dates with other girls when the entire time you are sitting there thinking about them.

I know almost everyone goes through this at one point in their life or another, or for the lucky few who have never been dumped I envy you, but what’s the secret formula to get over someone? I know only time will help they say but man that’s not an easy thing. I mean we can put a man on the moon, send a robot to Mars, and land a satellite on an asteroid but yet we can’t find a way to mend a broken heart? Someone should really get some of our top scientist on this little problem. I know what the worst pain in the world now is; it’s loving someone and knowing they don’t love you back.

Well after last night I have broken off all contact with my ex, not that I don’t want to see her or talk to her because I do. How can you go with spending so much time with someone to not wanting to see them or just call them and let them know how your day went? I mean that’s impossible to do… well at least for me it is. I figure this is the best thing for me though. Maybe this is the secret formula to get over someone, just don’t talk to them or see them any more.

The worst part about our break up was that neither of us did anything wrong. I mean we did not cheat on each other, we treated each other with respect, I guess things just didn’t work out. It would be easy to get over someone if they were a bitch to you but with her she never was and that’s what makes it hard. Well I guess that is how life goes. One day I will find a girl who will love me for how I am and what I give in a relationship and she will not break up with me. Hopfully that day will come later then sooner because maybe that would be the secret to getting this pain to go away.

On a side note my birthday is Friday and I am going to be going out with a huge group of people to some midtown bars. So if anyone else is interested in meeting up let me know.

And on another side note I am not wanting people to sit here and feel all sorry for me, I am not like that. I am a strong guy and I have never been effected by a girl like this before. So please don't sit here and feel bad for me, I will be ok and I will move on. I will end up finding that special girl for me and I will be happy for the rest of my life. This stuff I am going through now will only make that girl that much more special to me.

Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I'll leave when I wanna

This place was never the same again
After you came and went
How can you say you meant anything different
To anyone standing alone
On the street with a cigarette On the first night we met
Look to the past And remember and smile
And maybe tonight I can breathe for awhile
I'm not in the scene
I think I'm fallin' asleep
But then all that it means is I'll always be dreaming of you

More dumb writing...

Looking out my window
At the world that was ours.
Can you hear me?
I whisper your name.
Wondering how our life would be
If you would have stayed with me.
Do you miss me?
I hope you do.

All I wanted was the love you gave,
Just to spend another day,
With the love you gave.
Just with you.

Sometimes when I hear your name,
I miss the time when you were mine.
Did you think it would last?
I know I did.
I think about the time we shared,
How can we have these dreams with someone else?
Do you want another?
I know I don’t.

All I wanted was the love you gave,
Just to spend another day,
With the love you gave.
Just with you.
My princess.

The set up’s begin…

So it never seems to fail that when I get dumped I always have a million people trying to set me up with their friends, their sisters, their cousin’s hell even their moms. Well this break up has been no different.

For some reason today I have had 3 separate people try to hook me up with one of their friends. Now don’t get me wrong I thank the people for thinking about me and looking out for me and in fact these girls are all really great women. They are all pretty, smart, good jobs, have good education it’s just that I am not ready for it right now. Maybe in the future but just not quit yet.

After my last break up I ended up taking 3 years before I got in another serious relationship. 3 years!! That’s freaking a long time to not date someone. This time I have a feeling it’s going to be different now. I am about to be 28 years old, I can’t wait 3 years to date someone.

I am getting to the stage in my life where I want to be with a girl and get ready to start a family. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t want to get married tomorrow but I do want to find a girl that I know I will stay with and who I can grow old with. You see I am one of those rare guys who are not afraid of commitment. I am also one of those rare guys who don’t cheat on their girlfriends, who doesn’t do the one night stand thing and who gives themselves 100% to the women they are with. Now I am not sitting here trying to say I am the best guy out there because I know I have my faults, trust me I do, it’s just that I have a lot of guy friends and I know half of them are like your “typical guy” or the “player” kind of guy.

I don’t know, I am not mad at the people for trying to set me up it’s just that I don’t want that right now. So for all the people out there who are saying, “Oh man, Russell-P is single now. I am going to hook him up with *INSERT FEMALE NAME HERE* they would be awesome together”. Well just don’t do that right now. I am just not ready for it. Maybe here in the future definalty before 3 years but just not right now.

My bday week is here...

That's right folks, this is the week. This is the week where I go from 27 to 28. Wow that's kind of scary to hear, 28 is only 730 days away from 30. Now that is some scary stuff.

Either way it never fails that some bad stuff happens before my bday and I end up not having a really good day, this year seems to be no exception. I can only really remember one good bday in the past 5 years. It kind of sucks when you know that you can't see the one person that you want to on your bday. Oh well such is life they say.

Well I know my sister wants to throw a party for me but I just don't know how much of a party mood I am going to be in for. I found out yesterday that someone else had been planning on throwing me a party and it really made me sad that it did not work out.

Either way I am just not a big fan of birthdays. Hopefully one day things will go good in my life around the time of my bday and I will have a good one.

New York...

Hummmmmmm.... maybe.... it's a thought....