The Russell-P Project:

I really want that title…

So I have decided I want to become a Dr. Not a medical Dr. I just want the 2 letters in front of my name. So any of you who go to college or University I want an honorary degree. I want the title with none of the actual education or work. So please petition your school or university to make me an honorary Dr. I will come and speak to your school at graduation ceremony and not really say anything important or with any kind of relevance to anything. Ideally I would want a doctorate of physics, or I don’t know, is there physics doctorates? Any discipline it really does not matter. Whatever discipline you guys decided on or whoever will take me I just want to be a Dr. I don’t care if it’s from Devry or ITT any accredited college will work. I just want to be a Dr. help me out.

P.S. This is a joke and I am really bored right now. I realize no college would really give me a degree. Hell I hardly even got a photo degree from Sam Houston.

P.S.S. I love days like this and having my car.
Anyone want to go for a ride? :-)

Deer Reese Witherspoon... and I have a lunch date today...

So I am not sure how many of you people out there follow the celebrity news (I figure one day if my band makes it I will be a celebrity so I follow it so I can see how to act when I make it, so far from watching all the celebrities I figure when I make it I need to sleep with really hot women and treat them like crap. Get hooked on a drug and then beat the addiction, people love stories like that. And start my own line of clothing. Those are the top 3 things celebrities do) either way. In the celebrity news Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillip are getting a divorce. No big deal right? It happens all the time in Hollywood. Well the only thing with this one is old Reese and Ryan did not sign a prenup and in the state of California that means they spilt everything they have right down the middle.

Now old Ryan Phillip is what I would call a not so big celebrity. In fact, I think there is just as much chance that I would get recognized as he would if we both went to Chick-F-La together. Either way, he makes about 1 million dollars a movie. Now on the other hand Reese makes about 15 million a movie. Here is where it gets fun. They have been together for 7 years now and have a vast little empire of money stored up. The only thing is most of it came from her. Well the reason they are getting divorced is because he cheated on her. So here is my solution to help her get back at him.

Reese, here is what you need to do. You need to find a guy who is not in Hollywood. Hummm who could she get? Well I know, how about me. So you need to take me around to all your little Hollywood parties and all your little red carpet events. What I will do for you is I will make sure to always be groping you, slipping you the tongue, basically molesting you in front of the camera. By doing this it will drive Ryan crazy. Think about it, if you went from him to me and then we were making out all the time it would make him feel like ass and make me feel like a stud. It's a win win situation for both of us. Think about it and when you do give me a call, you have my number.

P.S. I have a hot lunch date today... To bad it's with my buddy Shelby and no Shelby is not a female. ;-) Wait a second. I just thought of something. Shelby and I have gone to Europe together. We are planning on going to Europe together again this year. Last year I spent New Years with Shelby and we even passed out in the same bed togther and odds are that will happen again this year unless a really hot super cool chick comes into my life before New Years. Today we are going to the mall together and he is crashing at my place and taking the day off tomorrow to go to the Lone Star Bike Rally we are playing at with me. Maybe Shelby is my boyfriend and I don't know it? Holy crap what if he thinks he's my boyfriend... Does that make me gay?

When all else fails:

You'll be forever a princess
in a sun dress blowing in the sweet September wind.
At least that's how I choose to remember,
and in my heart you'll never love again

maybe it's too late to regain sight of all that we have lost
got to hold on to this moment
don't let go
maybe it's too late for redemption now.

I see a blanket of pale white snow
on the street side from this doll house full of open words
and the stained glass of the church next door
casts it's vile upon this empty room
your eyes that used to shine as bright
as open lights without
but we're meant to be loved
itís the greatest gift we've got
I can never make you love me again

but when all else fails it fails
did I fail you?
will you fail me too?
because there's nothing that I wouldn't do to hold on to you
but you give me nothing to hold on to.

maybe it's too late
to keep the one I love from giving up tonight
I guess it's too late for forgiveness
god forgive me!
I guess it's too late for a family now

everything reminds me of you
everything reminds me of you

you're a princess in a sun dress
and my heart will never love again...

The Dirty Screech...

I’m not sure what Mr. Belding would have to say about this report of an alleged sex tape that graphically depicts Dustin Diamond (known better as Saved By the Bell’s Screech) engaging in 3-way sex with two women and pulling some pretty disgusting moves out of his back of tricks, inluding the dreaded “Dirty Sanchez”.

These kinds of antics are to be expected from the likes of Zach Morris or Jesse Spano (ever see Showgirls?), and maybe even AC Slater (if the threesome were with two other dudes) - but Screech!?! What more of an indictment could our culture receive than the filmed sex acts of a goofy-but-likeable Bayside Tiger?

Once the tape finds its inevitable home on the Internets, we’re all going to have to ask ourselves a very serious - and very important - question: will we watch it? Could our fragile psyches really handle the image of Screech giving some groupie (please god let it not be Paris Hilton) a Dirty Sanchez? Such devastating philosophical questions should not even be posed at this early morning hour.

Caption This #2...

 

Lance Armstrong: Dude, that was an amazing concert.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Seriously.
John Mayer: Thank you guys so much for coming.
Slut: OMG! It’s Jake Gyllenhaal!
John: (Loudly) SO JAKE. Can I have a sip of your water?
Jake: Sure… (Laughs and pours water from his dwarf-bottle all over Mayer’s shirt.) Wet t-shirt contest!
Lance: Oh, somebody’s chilly!
Slut #2: John Mayer! I am such a huge. fan.
John: Oh, thanks. Wow. Um… actually, I don’t sleep with female fans anymore. It’s “not me”. So…
Slut #2: Oh, Ok, I…
Jake: (Blocks her face with his ginormous bicep) Listen, John, Lance and I are gonna get outta here.
John: Cool, cool. Thanks for coming. (They begin to walk away.) Hey… Lance?
Lance: Yeah, John?
John: (Holds up yellow wristband.) Livestrong, my man.
Lance: (Hold up wrist.) Livestrong.
Jake: (Nodding, quietly.) Livestrong.

(Leave your captions in the comments.)

Cool little website...

So a friend of mine, she told me to go check out this website. Well I did and I must say this site is pretty cool. What you do is you select a photo of yours and they go out and find celebrities who you look like. It's kind of cool. Here is mine and the celebrities that I look like. If you guys want to go check it out go to http://www.myheritage.com/FP/Company/tryFaceRecognition.php. If you do it post your picture on my blog because I would like to see what celebrities you guys look like.

 

(THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT)
Hey there, party-people! Do you ever find yourselves bumpin’ and grindin’ your body (and teeth) through the hottest dance clubs in Hollywood, Manhattan, Vegas, Miami (and - oh fuck it - Columbus, Ohio too!) when you suddenly feel a nagging sense of exhaustion (possibly from the 9 shots of SoCo-lime you drank) that is really getting in the way of your “keeping the party going” (or “going back to some d-bag’s apartment to get date-raped”), and thus making you wish there were something you could do (or perhaps take) that would give you just the perk you need to party the night away (and babble everyone’s ear off about “your acting dreams”)?

Well, thanks to the wonders of a new miracle drug called Cocaine, you too can live the glamorous lifestyle of the “rich and famous” (or “ridiculed and pathetic”). But that’s not all!!! Now, instead of crowding into a crramped nightclub bathroom stall with 7 of your friends and hoovering “Nicole Richie Diet Formula” up your scabbed septum's while trying to avoid the bouncers you haven’t yet blown to keep quiet (lest you get busted and require mommy to bail you out again), you can purchase this all-new, completely-legal, highly-addictive, mind-destroying alternative called Cocaine In a Can! It’s sort of like Red Bull, but way classier! Goes great with Vodka and indignity!

That's right ladies and gentleman Red Bull may give you wings but the newest caffeine amped drink gives you a slightly paranoid rush that tingles in your chest. The drink named "Cocaine" hit runway parties during fashion week in NYC. The legal alternative is said to be 350% stronger than Red Bull and lasts for five hours. A concoction of high doses of B12 and simple sugars create a buzz feeling and tastes like cherry Jolly Ranchers. The makers of the drink did admit to adding an ingredient to simulate the oral sensation and numb the throat that comes with using the real drug.

When asked what they thought about the drink one of the users said, "This stuff is like totally rad! I mean everyone knows that doing Coke is cool because all the hottest celebrities do it. So this is just a way for us normal people to be cool like Paris Hilton and what not".

I don't know about you guys but I would not mind giving this a try. Hell if it's good enough for A-List celebrities then it's good enough for Russell-P.

Paris Hilton actually turns down a man?

OK people, stop what you are doing. Bend down and take one knee. OK now slowly place one hand on the floor. Does it feel cold to you? Yeah me too, I guess we know what that means, Hell froze over and Paris Hilton turned down a guy. I hate to tell you guys this but this is the 7th sign of the Apocalypse. I hope you guys are right with God because I have a feeling he is on his way down.

That's right all my friends, I have some news for you about your hero Paris Hilton, it seems she is not as easy as we thought she was... Or as half of us guys have prayed to God she was. Parasite Hilton actually refused to give a man sex. Courtney Love's ex, Steve Coogan, recently spent a night out with Kimbo Stewart and Parasite. After their drunken night came to an end, Steve begged Paris to have sex with him. He banged on her door for an hour, but she refused. This has got to be a lie.

The source said: "Coogan met Paris and Kimberly at Hyde nightclub and tried to persuade them to do shots of spirits with him.

"Kimberly did a few but then backed off because she thought he was getting too friendly.

"Coogan carried on chatting to Paris but wasn't happy to end it there when the girls said they were leaving.

"He got a taxi to take him to Paris'’s house and ended up banging on the door for an hour asking to be let in. Paris refused."

What is this world coming to? Who would have thought that a guy could go out, met Paris Hilton, buy her some drinks and not have sex with her? I mean that's a given right. I always thought sleeping with Paris was a given like Tom Cruise being crazy or Nicole Richie looking like a crack head. Those are things that will always be like the sun rising or France being full of people who suck and smell bad.

Either way I am going to choose to not believe this story. I mean if Paris does not sleep with every guy she meets what's the point of me going out to L.A. or New York where she lives then?

Baby Snatcher Looks Strangely Familiar…

CNN.com has a composite sketch of the female suspect suspected of slitting a woman’s throat and kidnapping her baby. I have been staring at the picture for a while now, because I swore I just knew the woman depicted in the oddly alluring portrait. The hat, the hint of stubble, the almond-shaped eyes… yes, it’s all coming together…

Then again, Ashton Kutcher hasn’t been seen wearing a trucker hat in at least two and a half minutes. So that’s probably not gonna work.

Caption It #1

That's right folks, the game is back. I know alot of you have asked for it so you better play since I am bringing it back. Here is how it works, it's pretty simple really, I post the picture you guys come up with a funny caption for it.

Todays celebritie caption person is my dear friend Nicole Ritchey. Have fun with this one guys, I will start us off.

"Hummmm cheeseburger good!!"

The Lord Giveth (Breasts) and the Lord Taketh Away (Brains)

Everytime I think I'm completely through with Jessica Simpson and I can't stand another second of hearing about her, something like this comes out. Sure she's not that bright, not that talented and sort of fugly from the neck up and has no ass. But good Lord those breasts are amazing. I cannot quit them. I just can't. For your viewing pleasure I now present to you Jessica Simpsons breast.

On a side note, seeing that picture of her above and the picture of me to the right, we really look like we should go together, don't you think?

 

Russell-P’s somewhat real celebrity gossip of the day…

Houston, Hummm we have a problem…
That’s right, after 14 years of marital bliss; Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have called it quits. Over the course of their union the couple had one daughter, Bobbi Kristina, and countless drug dealers. Now the couple has finally decided to go their separate ways.

Bobby was quoted as saying, "Well I love Whitney but damn, that bitch is crazy. She is like a chicken head on crack half the time. How's a brother supposed to get any sleep around here with her always singing "and I will always love you". I mean damn women that song went out in the 90's give it a rest".

One pissed off bald vegan...
Sure, we all got pretty swept up in last week’s “Suri on the Cover of Vanity Fair” frenzy, but there was one bald vegan ambient music-maker who was not impressed by the very public debut of the cute little Cruisebot. Moby had this to say on his blog:

are you kidding me? putting your f*cking CHILD on the cover of vanity fair? are they out of their minds? […] using children as p.r props does disgust me, i have to admit. in the grand scheme of things fame pales in comparison to family and child-rearing. i don’t know tom cruise and katie holmes, but i really cannot for a second fathom the mindset of parents who would sell pictures of their children or sexy pictures of themselves and use their children to get better press coverage. i’m sorry, i try not to be too judgemental, but it’s gross.

Well if that is the case then all you little MySpacers's out there who are putting pictures of your kids and sexy pictures of yourselfs on your page to get more hits, well you better watch out Moby is coming after you. Have you ever seen a pissed off bald Vegan before? It's not a pretty sight.

Paris Hilton Loves Making Out...
According to my secret sources, which is basically just me making stuff up, Paris Hilton has an obsession with making out. Although judging from the movie "One Night In Paris" she has a few other oral obsessions also. According to one of my secret New York spies, yes I have spies in New York that follow celebrities for me, Paris Hilton was seen inside Route 44 Club making out with a random girl. When confronted about this the heiress simple stated "What, doesn't all girls make out with other girls? I mean me and my friends do it, what wrong with that".

Also according to my secret network of spies the hotel heiress had been refused entry to Bungalow 8, in New York, because bouncers said it was "full to capacity." An eyewitness said: "She was sobbing and kept saying she was Paris Hilton and she didn't understand - all she wanted to do was dance!"

Russell-P's fake celebrity news of the day...

Ashton Kutcher Will Pay You to Be His Friend on MySpace*
That's right folks, Aston Kutcher will personally pay you $10 if you add him as your friend on MySpace. Here is what he said about it in a phone call I had with him the other day.

Russell-P: Hey Asthon, it's great to talk to you.
Ashton: Man am I glad to talk to you. It's been what 3 or 4 months now?
Russell-P: Yeah about that, so tell us about this MySpace thing.
Ashton: Yeah it's true, I am going to give $10 to the first 50,000 people that add me to their MySpace page. My goal is to have more friends then Tom, damn I hate that guy Tom.
Russell-P: More friends then Tom, I would be worried about having more friends then Russell-P if I was you Ash. Asthon, would you say I have a plethora of friends?
Ashton: Yes, Russell-P. You have a plethora of friends.
Russell-P: Ashton, what is a plethora.
Ashton: Why Russell-P?
Russell-P: Well, you just told me that I had a plethora, and I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora.
Ashton:  Russell-P, I know that I, Ashton, do not have your superior intellect and education, but could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?
Russell-P: Yes, Ashton you are correct. I am upset with other stuff but thank you for pointing that out to me.

According to his publisher Ashton will not be happy until he is bigger and more famous then Tom. Supposedly Tom and Ashton went to different high schools together and have been mortal enemies ever since Tom stole Ashton's date, Winny Winkler, and took her to the Winter Wonderland Dance back when they were in 10th grade.

As of a a few minutes ago he had 473 friends. And frankly, that's bullshit. He's Ashton Kutcher for god's sake. What's wrong with you people? I have 2272 friends and I'm not even famous!

And he's married to a MILF, what more do you people want? He's only a man! So what are you waiting for? Go help build a home or something by adding Ashton to your friends list.**

*this is of course the first and probably only place that rumor has ever been perpetuated

**of course all this is fake so please Asthon don't sue me

***well all of it is fake except for the fact that Asthon did call me, you see he and I are pretty tight. In fact I was the one that hooked him up with Demi****

****ok well that’s not entirly true, I did not hook him up with Demi but I did once have a dream about her*****

*****well that's not really true either, the dream was actually about a midget that slightly looked like Demi Moore but with a bit more hair on her upper lip